And Out The Other
by My heart beats only for you
Summary: Seth-centric. Deals with thoughts and preparation of suicide. Very sad and possibly very morbid. You’ve been warned. COMPLETED, including alternate ending.
1. First

My words, my plot and my effort. It's just not my show.  
  
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Seth Cohen sat at the edge of his bed listening to himself breathe. The house was empty and he didn't know why.  
  
No note, no call, just gone.  
  
He furrowed his dark brow and bit at his thumbnail boredly.  
  
_Where is everyone?_  
  
He wondered just before a piece of his nail shot up to nick just below his eye.  
  
His head slightly jerked and he almost let himself laugh but knowing what would come didn't make it feel right.  
  
Today Seth Cohen will take his own life.  
  
Today Seth Cohen will finally be free.  
  
It was absurd to think of suicide, as being "free" but that was how he felt. Just like the house he was empty inside and just like the emptiness of the house, he didn't understand why.  
  
So, he sat and listened to his lungs filling with air and then the air escaping through his mouth. He didn't breath for a moment, in a sense wanting to feel what it felt like to be dead. Within a few seconds his cheeks flushed and his head felt heavy. Slowly, he drew in a shaky breath. He stood up from his bed, letting the corners of his mouth curl slightly at the familiar groan it would always make.  
  
He would miss that.  
  
The sound of the front door opening and banging against the wall made Seth's stomach do a flip.  
  
They were home now.  
  
He wiped his face, adjusted his shirt, and slapped on a wonderfully fake smile, before making his way out of his room. He unhurriedly walked down the stairs, where Marissa Cooper's playful screams echoed throughout the house.  
  
He watched the two lovebirds flirt from afar for just a moment before making himself known.  
  
"What's so funny?" He asked unnecessarily loud, his caramel eyes upon Marissa trapped in a fit of laughter.  
  
"Oh, nothing..." She told Seth between giggles, placing her petite hand on her sore-from-laughter stomach, "I better get going..." She said after catching her breath.  
  
She turned toward Ryan, wrapping her arms around his waist.  
  
"I'll see you tonight?" She asked Ryan vivaciously and even though she had her back toward Seth, he just knew that her perfectly shaped eyebrows would be raised and her perfectly white teeth would be sinking into her lower glossed lip.  
  
God, he hated her.  
  
Nodding once, Ryan brushed his nose against hers as they both leaned in for a long, hard kiss.  
  
"I love you," She told him softly, just for him to hear and he told her back just as secretively.  
  
Marissa offered Seth a wiggle of her thin fingers over her way out and Ryan watched her until she was out of his sight.  
  
"So..." He began, now turning his attention to Seth once his "first choice", as Seth would often refer to Marissa, was gone,  
  
"What have you been up to all day?"  
  
_Oh, just planning my death.  
_  
Seth thought sarcastically  
  
"Oh, nothing..." He said exaggeratedly cheery, throwing his arm across his stomach, obviously mocking Marissa.  
  
He laughed to himself but Ryan didn't seem to find the roasting of his girlfriend as funny as Seth did. In fact, he turned on his heels and began to head for the pool house.  
  
"What did she mean just then?" Seth asked randomly.  
  
Ryan turned back to Seth, and merely blinked that his question.  
  
"_I'll see you tonight?_" Seth mimicked with an effeminate voice, lifting his brows up high while pulling back his lip to reveal some of his bottom teeth on the opposite side.  
  
Ryan couldn't help but laugh.  
  
"She meant she'll see me later tonight at the dance..."  
  
By the blank expression on Seth's face, Ryan continued.  
  
"...at the school"  
  
"I know where it's at, okay? I'm not stupid." Seth spat back.  
  
Ryan's blue eyes widened a tad while his muscular arms came up to cross at his chest. Seth scoffed at Ryan's classic Chino badass pose, and mumbled something under his breath.  
  
"What?" Ryan asked.  
  
When Seth continued to mutter inaudible words, Ryan took a step toward his best friend.  
  
"What?" Ryan demanded again, sounding the way you would think Luke Ward would if someone questioned his sexuality.  
  
"When did you and Marissa decide to go?" Seth spoke softly, never taking his eyes off his feet.  
  
"Last night..." Ryan answered with uncertainty in the voice, "Why?"  
  
He noted Seth's jaw muscle throbbing and the forgotten plans he had made with Seth two nights ago suddenly came back to him.  
  
"Oh, man" Ryan said, running his fingers through his sandy blonde hair, "I forgot"  
  
Seth nodded unsurprisingly with fists rolled up tightly at his sides.  
  
"We can go tomorrow..." Ryan suggested pitifully after a moment of silence on both ends.  
  
"Tomorrow..." Seth repeated to himself with a harsh laugh.  
  
Seth, who was well aware that by tomorrow he'd be dead still let the next few words about to come out of his mouth without the least bit of remorse,  
  
"Yeah... tomorrow, it is."  
  
And with that, he nodded his head, gave Ryan a toothy Seth smile, turned around and made his way out of the house.  
  
Of course, Ryan went after him.  
  
"Wait, where are you going?" Ryan asked, standing in the doorframe.  
  
"Just because you made other plans doesn't mean I have to change mine."  
  
"You're still going?"  
  
"I keep my promises." Seth told him firmly with a hint of anger in his voice.  
  
A pause...  
  
"I'm really sorry, Seth."  
  
And he was sorry and Seth knew that he was sorry but he just didn't have sympathy anymore not even for Ryan.  
  
"Whatever, I'll have more fun without you."  
  
Seth's words were like daggers into Ryan. For as long as Ryan has known Seth he could immediately tell when Seth was lying to him or anyone really and just then he wasn't lying at all.  
  
"I didn't think you liked that kind of music..." Ryan pointed out, ignoring Seth's previous remark.  
  
"You don't know a lot of things about me, Ryan."  
  
Now, that last comment made Ryan worried. Not so much the sentence but how it was said. Ryan had noticed a dawdling but potent change in Seth over the past couple weeks.  
  
The bond between the two brothers had somewhat weakened. They hadn't spent as much time together, as Ryan wanted but with schoolwork, a job, and a girlfriend. Ryan's time was fleeting.  
  
Okay, so, I know what you're all thinking:  
  
_"Seth wants to kill himself because Ryan has been giving him the cold shoulder?"_  
  
Please, Seth isn't that pathetic.  
  
Contrary to popular belief, Seth Cohen's world does not revolve around Ryan Atwood. In fact, Ryan's recent brush-off's barely symbolized as the peanuts on which topped the cake of Seth's problems.  
  
And, no, this isn't some sort of gay jealousy thing. Though, that would have been more intriguing, don't you think?  
  
This is teenage angst. Pure and true hatred of one's self.  
  
Things happen to Seth Cohen on a daily basis and he doesn't say a word. Things like a couple bullies teaching Seth a lesson in the locker room when no one is around to witness. Things that you just can't run away from because feelings always make their way back to you.  
  
A thing like humiliation can bring a grown man to tears but Seth was no man. He was a kid. A poor little rich kid, who wanted nothing more then to be liked and accepted.  
  
So, now at his wit's end, he's come to decision of ending his life. He's waited for his parents to go on their much needed vacation, leaving him and Ryan alone for the weekend. He's even imagined himself doing the whole, "Goodbye, cruel world" thing. Though, he'd probably skip that part.  
  
Wanting to spend his last night on earth with his brother, Seth was fuming but then he thought that maybe it was better this way. Why would he want to give Ryan this happy delusion of himself and then rip it away like some sick joke?  
  
_It's better this way._  
  
He thought as Ryan told him to be careful and to call home when he could. The boys hugged and Seth had held onto Ryan a little longer then usual but Ryan didn't suspect any foul-play.  
  
Why would he?  
  
Seth had also, as casually as he could, told Ryan that he loved him and though Ryan eyed him oddly he still told him that he loved him too, of course adding a, "man" at the end.  
  
Now, it's around seven in the evening and Seth has finally pulled out of the drive way for a half an hour drive into Corona.  
  
And, Ryan, still in the doorway, watches Seth drive away into the night until he's no longer in his sight. 


	2. Second

Earlier that week, Evan Cooper, no relation, had invited Seth to attend his band's first gig during Chem. Seth was flattered that the black-haired thrash grindcore Bassist, who sat in front of him, had actually thought of Seth as someone he would want to be there. He later found out that Evan _needed_ to sell the tickets in order to win the Battle of the Bands. Seth gladly paid for two tickets in advance and though Ryan made a face at Seth's proposal he still agreed to go.

Now, Seth is alone and The Smith's Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now is blaring as the Range Rover speeds down the freeway. About thirty seconds into the three minute song came a line that Seth could relate to:

_In my life, why do I give valuable time to people who don't care if I live or die?_

Seth sang along, bobbing his head to the beat. All of the four windows were down, letting the wind slap against his face and arms.

He was a little panicky about being so social as he pulled into the parking lot. Kids with Mohawks and bondage pants flooded the streets of downtown Corona and he never felt more out of place with his collared shirt and pressed blue jeans.

Almost immediately, he spotted Evan and his band unloading the equipment from the back of a beat up truck and he quickly made his way over to them.

"Evan, hey!" Seth called, waving his arms around like an idiot.

"Cohen... you came." Evan replied dully with a hint of astonishment in his voice, "I thought you paid for two tickets?" He said after exhaling smoke through his nose.

"Oh, yeah, well, my brother made other plans..." Seth explained with a sad smile on his face.

"Fuck him then!" Another dark-haired boy shouted as he pulled out his guitar from the back seat.

Seth let out a weak laugh and nodded his head in agreement, "Right... f-fuck him"

All of the five boys clipped Seth on the back as they headed into the building called The Showcase Theater.

The small room was dark and humid and everyone seemed to know one another, only making Seth feel more alienated.

During a bands set, a girl dressed in black stared at Seth oddly for a good five minutes until she finally approached him. She motioned for Seth to come closer and for some reason he obeyed. She kept saying something to him but he couldn't hear her. The girl seemed absolutely infuriated that she was inaudible to him so she just shook her head and walked passed him, shoulder checking him in the process. Seth almost wanted to follow her but decided not to when he saw her meet up with some not-so-friendly-looking people.

As the band finished up, Seth made his way through the crowd so he could be up front where he could get a better view of Evan's band, "Humans Decomposed", coming up next.

Seth saw a member of the band leaning against the wall, talking to a couple of girls. He hesitated but then he realized that it was either talk with the drummer or pretend like he was looking for a non-existent friend in the crowd for another twenty minutes.

"Hey!" Seth said loudly.

The pale-skinned boy turned slowly to Seth barely acknowledging him at all.

"Sup, Keith."

"It's Seth actually...." He corrected, trailing off towards the end.

"What'd ya say, man?"

"Nothing" Seth shook his head, and went back to looking for his "friend" again. He could here the girls giggling at him, as he vanished into the crowd.

As he reached the middle of the packed room, he heard "Humans Decomposed" being announced and before he knew it he was caught in a Mosh Pit.

Fists were flying everywhere and despite his arms covering his body and face, he was still getting pretty fucked up. After what seemed like forever, the song finally ended and people started to calm down.

Seth felt like a walking bruise as he stumbled his way out of the Showcase.

Breathing in deeply, he slowly made his way back to his vehicle where he slid into the driver's seat and sat there for a good ten minutes.

His limbs felt like steal and his head throbbed.

After dropping his cluster of keys twice, he finally managed to stick the car key into the ignition, and pulled out of the parking lot.

Seth absentmindedly drove around not knowing where he was going or when he would stop. He ended up somewhere in Riverside where he pulled up and onto train tracks nearby, making the Range Rover uneven.

He turned the radio volume up, and made himself comfortable in his seat. He even slipped his shoes off.

The cell phone in his front pocket started to vibrate and he cursed himself for not turning it off sooner. He unhurriedly pulled it out to see who it was, even though he knew it would be Ryan and sure enough, it was. After turning down the music and flipping open the phone, he pressed the cell phone to his left ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey, I've been trying to call you."

"Oh, well, I must have been having so much fun I didn't realize anyone was calling."

Silence...

"Right, well, um, when are you gonna come home?"

"I don't know, man. I'm really having a good time."

Seth was a liar and he was good at it.

"Oh, well, okay then. Have fun."

"Yeah, later" Seth rushed out, quickly slapping the cell phone shut.

He turned the power on the cell phone off, tossed it into the back seat, and turned the volume back up.

Breathing heavily, he rested his head in the hands. He was nearly crying now.

"Stop it..." He told himself and bit down on his quivering bottom lip.

"STOP!" He screamed, slapping the side of his face powerfully.

He hated crying though lately he'd been doing it a lot. The way tears tasted made bad memories play out in his head and he didn't like that.

His eyes wondered around aimlessly and landed on a small monument on the other side of the tracks, which was lit by the headlights of the Range Rover. For a moment he imagined his own name inserted across the middle section of the cross-shaped memorial.

Looking away, he rested his head against the cold car window and closed his eyes, letting himself sink into the comfortable seat.

The sound of a car horn beeping madly made Seth's body jolt. He quickly twisted around to see what was happening, only to be blinded by flashing headlights.

"What the-" He muttered to himself as he opened the car door and stepped out onto the ground, involuntarily shielding his eyes from the light.

"What the hell are you doing, kid?" A deep voice called out.

"I-"

How was he going to explain this one?

"I'm a pledge, uh, for a fraternity..." He clarified to the shadowy figure and hoped to god he wouldn't ask anymore questions.

"They must not like you..." He began, "Pull off them tracks before I call the cops." He said simply, never moving from the spot next to his truck.

"Okay..." Seth said softly and then cleared his throat, "Thank you!"

He let out a shaky breath, and settled himself back into the SUV.

After fastening his seatbelt, he peered up into the rearview to see if the man had left and not to his surprise he hadn't.

Sticking out his lower lip like a child, he started the engine and pulled off the train tracks like the guy had ordered, however the truck still remained in its spot.

"Goddamn redneck...." Seth mumbled under his breath, as he drove passed the truck and back onto the street where he started to head home.


	3. Third

The road Seth was now on is long and virtually empty which surprises him because of the fact that it's not even nine yet.

Licking his dry lips slowly, Seth suddenly becomes cognizant of how tired he really is when his eyelids keep falling. They flutter shut and he lets them rest but only for a moment.

Well, it felt like a moment to him anyway but in reality it was several moments and in that time he ends up on the side of the road with a flat tire and bumped forehead.

Seth really wished he would have actually paid attention to his father when he instructed him on changing a flat tire, not that it made a different now since there wasn't even a spare in the back anyway.

Reaching into the back seat, Seth grabs the cell phone from off the floor and turns the power on. He pauses and then dials a number.

"Hello?" An upbeat-sounding Ryan answers.

Seth barely recognizes his voice, he sounded so happy, "Ryan?"

"Hey! What's up?

"Um..." Seth begins nervously.

How do you tell someone you've just been in an accident?

And, the last thing Seth wanted was to feed Ryan's savoir image but in panic he really couldn't think of anyone else he could call for help and know they would come through.

"Seth?" Ryan says with a hint of concern and when he hears Seth's unsteady breathing, he asks, "Is everything okay?"

When Seth doesn't answer, Ryan senses something isn't right.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" Ryan asks right away, quickly getting up from the living room couch he was occupying.

"No..." Seth begins slowly as his hand moves up to his forehead, where he lets his fingertips rub at the forming bump, "Not really."

"Tell me what happened."

Seth takes in a deep breath so he could explain his dosing off to his overly protective brother but he stops when he hears _her_...

"Is everything okay?" Marissa inquires.

He gulps and his teeth clench.

"Seth? Are you there?" Ryan asks panicky.

"Y-yeah..."

Clearing his throat, he unbuckles his seatbelt, opens his door and hangs his legs out over the side.

"Where are you?" Ryan issues and Seth responds honestly,

"I don't... really know..."

Now, Seth wasn't one for craving attention, not really anyway but for some reason he wants it now. More specifically, he wanted Ryan's attention. For once, he wanted to be in the limelight and Marissa to be the one left out.

"Ryan..." He whispers fearfully into the phone and conjures up some half-fake tears.

"Just tell me where you are, okay? I'll come get you." Ryan comforts with panic evident in his voice, as starts thinking the worst:

"_Seth is in pain. Seth is trapped in some madman's trunk. Seth has just been severely beaten. Seth... is... dying."_

"I-I think, um, I'm on Santiago Canyon Road... in Riverside." Seth tells him quickly, interrupting Ryan's horrible thoughts.

"Santiago Canyon Road?" He repeats aloud, his eyes peering to Marissa for guidance.

"That's a long road, Ryan. Ask him if he sees anything around him." Marissa orders.

"Dirt..." Seth answers wryly.

Shortly after he jokes, he whimpers into the phone, on purpose, of course.

"You alright?"

Seth nods his head then realizes Ryan can't even see him.

"Yeah, I'm okay"

Ryan lets out a big worried sigh and tries to figure out where Seth could be,

"Okay, do you have any idea where you are exactly? Are there any signs? Um, anything at all?"

Seth looks around; it's so dark he can barely see anything out there.

"Let me get out and check."

He hops out of the truck and takes a few steps out into the street.

"Um, I see-"

In mid-sentence, Seth gasps as a car whooshes past him.

"...a car almost hitting me..." He finishes with slight sarcasm.

Before Ryan can ask if Seth was alright- he hears Seth laugh. Not a nervous laugh or scared laugh just an odd sinister chuckle that Ryan doesn't find funny at all.

Sensing Ryan's concern Seth quickly changes the subject,

"I-I see a water tower!" He exclaims and excitedly throws his arm out to point up at it, "You can't see me but I'm pointing at it."

Ryan lets out a laugh as he starts making his way outside, "Okay, we're on our way."

_Did he just say, "We're"? _

"We're?" Seth repeats, and then clears his throat.

"Marissa's coming." Ryan clarifies and when Seth doesn't say anything, he wonders why, "What?"

"Can't you come alone?"

Ryan slows down a bit as his hand hovers over the car handle, "Why?"

"Please, Ryan..." Seth says in a low almost shameful tone.

"Um..." Ryan starts, his eyes looking to Marissa, who is already at the passenger seat, "Sure...hang on..."

Ryan lowers his arm to his stomach where he presses the phone against it so Seth can't hear. He motions for Marissa to come out and she does, thinking that something is wrong.

Before she can say anything he waves his hand signaling that everything is fine.

"Listen, Seth kind of wants me to come alone. I don't know why but..." He explains to her then trails off toward the end.

"Yeah, sure" She nods, and lightly shuts the car door, "He is okay?"

"I don't know." He answers simply, opening his door, "I'll call you, okay?"

She nods again and steps away from the vehicle.

They look at each other for a moment and then he gets into the car.

He brings the phone up to his ear, his eyes still on her, "Okay, I'm on my way." He tells Seth and pulls out of the driveway.

Once Ryan is on the road, he realizes that he didn't tell Marissa that he loved her and she didn't tell him either and for some reason it really bothers him.

Ryan was on Santiago Canyon Road in Riverside a lot quickly then Seth had initially thought.

"Alright, put your headlights on, okay?" Ryan ordered, slowing down slightly.

Seth did as he was told without saying a word. In fact, he hadn't really been talking at all which worried Ryan and Seth knew that it would.

"Wait, I think of see you, Seth. Flash your headlights."

Without saying anything, he flickers the light three times then waits for Ryan's response.

"I see you." Ryan states compellingly calm, "Sit tight, I'll be right there, okay?"

Seth doesn't reply but Ryan is uncomfortably used to that now.

He speeds down the road happy that he's found Seth but worried about his physical and emotional condition. As he nears the Range Rover, he slows down and then stops right in front of it. Not even bothering to take the keys out or shut the car door, he trots over to the SUV, where he halts in front of the drivers' seat. Ryan is immediately concerned when he finds Seth in the car, staring blankly ahead not even acknowledging that Ryan is there.

Extending out his arm, Ryan knocked on the window and Seth jumps.

"Hey, it's just me." He reassures, holding his hands up as if surrendering.

Seth nods and slowly unlocks the door, where Ryan opens it and holds out his hand for Seth to take.

Seth grabs onto Ryan's wrist and he helps him out of the car where Ryan takes a good look at Seth, immediately taking notice of the now fully-formed bruise above his eyebrow.

Grimacing, Ryan pats Seth on the back gently causing Seth to drop the keys.

"I got it" Ryan tells him and then bends over to snatch the keys off the gravely road.

He turns to the Range Rover where he mechanically rolls up all four windows before he locks the doors.

He figures he'll come back for it tomorrow because all he wants now is to get Seth home safely or safer anyway.

He figures he'll come back for it tomorrow because all he wants now is to get Seth home safely or safer anyway.

He figures he'll come back for it tomorrow because all he wants now is to get Seth home safely or safer anyway.


	4. Fourth

As Ryan and Seth head home the song "Hey Mickey" comes on the radio, and they both wonder why a station that plays cheer music would even be on in Ryan's car.

The roads are pretty vacant and nothing interesting ever comes in sight.

Ryan notices Seth shivering so when they stop for a long slowing train to pass, he reaches into the back seat and drops his leather jacket / hooded sweater combo into Seth's lap but sees that he doesn't put it on.

He wasn't cold nor scared, not really anyway. At first he shook for affect but now he really couldn't stop.

Ryan was about to ask Seth how his night went but didn't because of how idiotic that would sound. He was racking his brain for something to say, anything to say and before he realized it he blurted out,

"So, how are things with Summer?"

_Smooth, Atwood._

Ryan thinks with a suppressed laugh.

"We broke up" Seth reveals calmly as if it were nothing at all.

"What?" Ryan was definitely caught off-guard on that one and it showed in his voice, "When did that happen?"

Why hadn't Marissa told him?

"A week ago" He answers emotionless; his head never lifting from the window it was resting up against.

Though Seth had been sleepy earlier, he was wide-awake now.

"Oh" Was all Ryan could muster.

Seth nods his head because it's all _he_ can muster.

"Hey Mickey" is still playing and both boys think it's been on for an awful long time now.

"This song is long," Seth declares just before Ryan was about to.

"Yeah, I know." He agrees with a smile.

He reaches over to change the station but Seth stops him by saying gruffly,

"No, leave it. It grew on me,"

Ryan notices how hoarse sounding Seth's voice is.

Was he getting sick?

"Are you feeling okay?" He asks with concern evident in his tone and eyes.

Seth has zoned out. He's staring out the window again so Ryan taps his shoulder. Seth's head whips around to look at Ryan with surprise almost fear in his eyes.

"What?" He enquires offensively.

"I-I was just asking if you were feeling okay..."

"Oh..." He nods with guilt, "I'm fine"

As he's peering into Ryan's sad blue eyes, he doesn't understand what's wrong with himself.

He wants Ryan's attention yet he doesn't because he knows it's hurting him. He hates Marissa yet she hasn't really done anything to him but be his friend. He loves Summer but at the same time he wants her to suffer, like he was.

While these thoughts keep racing through his head, he feels the corners of his eyes sting and his bottom lip quivers involuntarily.

"Seth..." Ryan starts but really he has nothing else to say but his name.

Seth tries to stop himself from breaking down. His throat aches from the lump that formed there.

_This wasn't the plan. _

He needed to get a hold of himself before Ryan could catch on and try to stop him.

_Stick with the plan and pull yourself together now!_

With the car still parked in front of the lengthy train, Seth opens the passenger side door and stumbles out into the empty road where he doubles over and vomits.

Ryan is instantly at his side, patting his back and grimacing at the sound.

But Seth isn't throwing up solids or liquids anymore. He's dry-heaving and his face is red from straining.

Ryan doesn't know what to do. He keeps whacking Seth's back, harder with each strike.

"That's...not...helping..." Seth manages to inform Ryan between heaves.

Ryan immediately stops and soon after, the vomiting subsides. Seth rinses his mouth out with hot murky water that Ryan had offered him.

"How long has this water been in your car?" He questions.

"A couple days..." Ryan replies with a slightly cringed expression.

"Oh, that's wonderful." Seth scornfully utters.

Seth, who is now standing upright, gargles more of the water in his mouth, and then spits it out. He looks over to Ryan for a moment then lets his head drop down and makes his way back to the car with his hand across his lower abdomen.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asks to Seth's back.

He sees Seth's mop of curly black hair bob and then he plops himself back into the passenger seat. Ryan walks over and shuts Seth's door and then circles to the drivers' seat where he slides in and drives off just as the train finally disappears.

As they head back out onto the dark road, the radio is now off and the car is painfully silent. Seth feels sick and mad and tired and conflicted. A couple hours ago he didn't value anyone's feelings besides his own but now in this car he can imagine Ryan's aggrieved and guilty face. Seth's decision had nothing to do with Ryan. If anything, Ryan was holding him back and he hated that.

Home was nearing fast and the day was ending just as quick. Seth hadn't planned on writing some cliché suicide note but now it seemed like the thing to do. Seth never wanted the words, "I should have known. I could have stopped him." To ever escape Ryan's mouth.

The car stopped and Ryan had cleared his throat two times now, the third louder then the second. Yet Seth didn't figure out that he was only doing it to get his attention until the fourth one came along.

Once Seth's eyes finally connect with Ryan's, he says, "We're home" and takes the key out of the ignition.

When Seth opens his door, it nearly hits a small white vehicle in their driveway which he later identifies as Marissa Cooper's car.

He slips out of the vehicle so not to hit her car even though he secretly wished he had "accidentally" given her perfect car a nice big indentation.

It annoyed him beyond anyone's comprehension that she was there. He hears Ryan curse himself about something and then he sees him jog up to the house, leaving him behind in the driveway.

Before he even makes it to the door, Marissa has already emerged from the house with open arms. They hug and Ryan immediately tells her he loves her for not saying it before. He tells her he's sorry for not calling like he said he would.

Seth's teeth clutch as they do this.

Marissa's attention turns to Seth, and she asks with genuine worry, "You alright, Seth?"

But to Seth this question from her seems phony.

He holds back a sneering laugh and walks right past the both of them and into the house where hechildishly slams the front door.

Ryan and Marissa watch him do this and then they exchange looks. She squeezes his hand and gives him a weak smile.

"I should go" She tells him quietly, squeezes his hand again and plants a kiss just above the hidden dimple on his left cheek.

She moves around and makes her way to the driveway, shooting him a sideways glance just before she gets into her car and drives off.

Ryan is fuming. He understands that Seth had a rough night but he didn't have to act like an asshole to Marissa for no reason at all.

When her car is out of his view, he trots up to the house, practically storming into the foyer, closes the door and enters the living room where he finds Seth lying on the sofa, turned on his side so his face is toward the back cushion.

As Seth curls into the fettle position, he feels Ryan's presence hovering behind him.

"Hey" Ryan furiously calls out and when Seth completely disregards him. He grabs his side and rolls his body so he's lying on his back.

"Where do you get off treating Marissa like that?" Ryan orders.

Seth is staring off at the blank television screen.

"I'm talking to you!" Ryan shouts at his unresponsive adopted brother.

Seth lifts himself up and off the couch and as he's standing at his full height, he shoves Ryan back,

"Where do _you_ get off telling me how to conduct myself?!"

"Oh, I don't know- maybe because I just dropped everything I was doing so I can go an hour out of my way to pick you up!"

"Now when you say you dropped everything you were doing..." He trails off, quirking his brow tauntingly.

Ryan's head snaps at that remark and it was his turn to shove but much fiercer then Seth's lovetap. In fact, Seth was on his ass.

Both were silent but you should cut the tension with a gust of wind.

Seth picks up his battered body, looks straight into Ryan's burning blue eyes and says,

"I hope you're happy..."

And with that said, he turns on his heels and leaves the house with a skateboard under his arm.

_I'm ready now._


	5. Fifth

The road is awfully bumpy underneath him and he has no idea where he's going. His face is so cold that it hurts and he nearly lets out an exhausted sob when he sees a hill coming up.

As the hill approached, he brought down his right foot and forced it onto the pavement as hard as he could.

Thinking back on his last words to Ryan he knew they were a mistake but that selfishness that comes with suicide came seeping through again and he wouldn't want it any other way.

Once he conquered the hill, he let himself relax by allowing the board and slope to do all the work.

A drip of water landed right on his nose and he had to laugh because it was typical. His life to him was a personal rainy cloud that always tagged along wherever he went.

By the time he arrived to his destination, it was nearly hailing outside. Shivering, he rolled closer to the building before him and stepped off the skateboard.

Placing a flat hand just above his bruised brow, he narrowed his eyes so he could see if the pawn shop was still open and fortunately it was. He bent down, scooped up the board and slipped into the building. He shook his hair, set his skateboard beside the door and then roamed the empty shop.

After making his way to where the cashier was, he leans up against the unclear, scratched up counter where a .45 pistol catches his eye.

The overweight cashier stares at Seth wearily and says,

"Yeah?"

Seth clears his throat, points down at the gun with his index finger and using a gruff voice, he asks,

"How much?"

He man nearly scoffs. He leans over a bit with a grunt, and pulls the gun out, placing it on top of the counter.

"Got ID?" He asks simply.

Seth nods maturely and whips out his Pacific Sun wallet, where he flips it open and flashes him the fake identification he got a few weeks ago for fifty bucks.

The guy slants forward, squints his eyes as he studies Seth's ID.

"Five hundred..." He tells Seth after a moment, and then makes himself comfy in his chair again.

Seth nods his head once more and then fingers the money in his wallet.

"That's four hundred and twenty-six dollars," He tells the man and then tosses the money onto the counter beside the gun.

"Five hundred..." He says again, glaring.

Seth's eyes sadden a bit yet he still digs into his pocket where he pulls out a small black box.

"It's a half carat..." He tells the man as he peals back the top to reveal the sprinkling ring; he had snatched from his room while Marissa and Ryan fondled each other outside.

The man takes it, stares at it as if he really knew the difference and tells Seth,

"I can go... seventy-five"

Seth suppresses a wide smile as his hand starts for the gun.

"There's a waiting period..." The cashier cuts in as he flips through the cash.

"No" Seth practically shouts as his hand hovers over the pistol. He calms down and tells the man compellingly, "I can't wait."

The man looks down at the virtually perfect ring and crisp money before him and though he hesitates, he knows he's getting a good deal with the ring alone.

"Alright..." He agrees, pushes the chair back, bends over, and pulls out some wrinkled forms, "Fill these out but leave the dates blank."

Seth nods and starts filling out the paperwork once he's finished he picks the pistol up and checks the chamber.

"There's no bullets..." Seth points out.

"Bullets are extra..." The man tells him bleakly.

"Come on, man..." Seth pleads.

The guy rolls his eyes, leans over and grabs a hand full of bullets. He slams them onto the counter and narrows his eyes at Seth.

"There!" He spits out and sinks back into the chair,

"Now get the fuck out of here before I change my mind."

Seth bobs his head, seizes all six bullets and leaves the shop, grabbing his skateboard on the way out.

After slipping the .45 into his front pocket, he places his skateboard onto the wet pavement and rolls off into the pouring rain.

* * *

Back at home, Ryan is sitting on the living room couch, worried over Seth.

"_I hope you're happy."_

Seth's last words to him swarmed around in his head and he couldn't figure out what he meant.

Shaking his head, he sinks further into the couch cushion and crosses his arms.

_He just needs to blow off some steam. He's fine._

He thinks.

"Yeah" He tells himself as-a-matter-of-fact and chews on his bottom lip.

A beat,

Reaching over, he grabs the phone off the receiver, takes a quick breath, presses Talk and dials a number.

The phone rings a couple times then an unmistakable voice answers on the other end,

"Hello?"

"Summer, its Ryan"

She sighs into the phone and requests, "What is it, Chino?"

"Is Seth there?"

"No"

Gulping, Ryan wipes his forehead where a bead of sweat has formed.

"Why?" Summer raises complainingly.

"We had an argument and he took off." Ryan explains.

"What was it about?" She intriguingly asks.

_Now she just wants the gossip..._

Ryan thought before he answers her,

"Marissa..."

"Really?" She questions in disbelief.

It did sound pretty unlikely.

"Mm-hmm..." He mumbles miserably.

A moment of silence.

"We broke up, ya know?"

"Yeah, I just thought maybe he'd go over there." He stops, sighing, "Do you have any idea where he might be?"

She ponders on Seth's whereabouts and the after a few moments she responds with slight uncertainty,

"The pier?"

Ryan's eyes widen with the information.

"Yeah, thanks" He tells her quickly before hanging up the phone.

He shoots up from the couch and heads for the car. Once inside and about to start the engine, he stops and really thinks about what he's doing.

They got in a fight. Big deal, they'd make up tomorrow. Together they'd apologize and together they'd accept.

"_I hope you're happy."_

He recalls Seth's words again.

Out of every insult Seth could have said to Ryan he picked that phrase and it bothered Ryan more then not telling Marissa he loved her.

_Something's not right._

And with that thought, he starts the car and drives off.

* * *

Meanwhile, Seth is lying in Summer Breeze, which was still tied to the dock.

Tears run down his face though you wouldn't be able to tell given that the rain was coming down much harder then before.

He pushes out the chamber and slowly puts the bullets in one by one and then pops the chamber back in place.

He tears off a piece of a cardboard box he found in the trash, scribbles down a suicide note, places it into his left hand and folds over his fingers tightly.

Gripping the gun in the other hand, he slowly brings his arm up, and he wonders if he's shaking because of what he's about to do or because he's freezing his ass off.

He wasn't all that curious though because he cocks the gun and presses the barrel to his temple.

Closing his eyes, he hears Ryan call out his name but he assumes it's only in his head, kind of like his conscience.

Sucking in a breath, he starts to pull the trigger but stops when he hears Ryan again only closer and louder,

"Seth!?"

He turns his head and can make out a silhouette, jogging down the pier.

_No, no, no, no, no!_

Breathing heavily, he lowers the gun to his side and stands up from the bobbing boat where he steps onto the slick dock.

As Ryan approaches Seth, he shakes his hair and shields his eyes from the rain,

"What are you doing out here?"

When Seth doesn't answer, Ryan's shoulders kind of drop in defeat.

"Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I was an asshole. Let's just go, man."

A beat,

"No." Seth finally speaks up.

"What?" Ryan questions.

Seth's arm lifts and the gun-occupied hand rises up to his head.

Ryan blinks because he figures he's seeing unclearly because of the rain but he soon realizes that he isn't imagining anything.

"Seth, man. W-what are you doing? Where did you get that?"

Silence...

"I had money... and pawned the ring I bought for Summer..."

At how calm Seth sounds Ryan takes a chance and takes a step toward him.

"Stay away from me, Ryan!" He shouts and jumps back.

With the barrel of the cheap .45 pistol, hidden underneath his black curly locks, Seth anxiously shifts his weight from side to side.

His index finger was pressed up against the trigger so closely that Ryan knew that the slightest twitch would set the gun off.

"Alright... alright" Ryan eased with his hands out in front of him.

"Just, just let me help you, okay?"

He tells him, hands slowly coming down to his sides.

"Wow, Ryan, you've really got that hero complex perfected, don't you?" Seth muttered never letting his guard down for a second.

"S-Seth, man. Don't do this okay? You- you don't want to do this"

"And to think _you_ talked Oliver down..." Seth scoffs, and takes another step back.

The sky starts to calm and the wind howls.

"Why?"

The question almost surprises Seth and for a moment he really considers whether or not to tell Ryan the truth.

Nodding his head slowly, he declares,

"I'm sick, Ryan. I'm...I'm real sick..."

But Ryan takes this wrong,

"We can get you help"

Laughing tearfully, Seth shakes his head,

"No..." He starts, deadpanning, and with red-rimmed eyes peering into Ryan's, he reveals,

"I tested positive..."

When Seth sees the look on Ryan's face, he continues with his confession,

"I made a comment in gym so the football team cornered me in the locker room and had their way with me. They used the end of a broomstick at first but then someone had a better idea," He pauses as his face begins to crumble, "A week later, one of them tells me he's got AIDS but not to tell anyone or he'll kick my ass. So I go get tested and what d'ya know?"

Ryan has yet to find the right words so Seth just keeps explaining,

"I've known for almost three weeks now..." She speaks slowly, "and I planned this," He rolls his eyes to the gun still pressed against his head, "...about an hour after I found out."

"You don't need to kill yourself..." Ryan whispers.

"I'm going to die anyway, Ryan. I don't want to take my last breathe in a hospital room."

As he speaks, his tone and eyes are completely rational and it scares Ryan that someone so clear-minded would still want to commit suicide.

"Just... shut your eyes, Ryan" Seth cuts in, stiffening his arm.

"No"

Ryan's eyes start to water and he wants to blink the tears away but he's afraid if his eyes flutter, Seth will shoot.

"I'm sorry..."

Seth tells him, and without hesitation he pulls the trigger.

The bullet entered at one side of his head and out the other...

Well, that's how it would have happened if the gun hadn't jammed.

Hey, you get what you pay for, right?

Seth's eyes widen with confusion, and in the amount of time it took him to realize what had gone wrong, Ryan had already managed to hit the gun out of his hand and fling it toward the ocean.

"No!" Seth shouts and tries diving for it but Ryan embraces him in mid-jump.

"Let go of me!" He screams but Ryan's hold gets tighter and tighter the more he struggles.

"Stop, Seth" Ryan soothes,

"No..." He repeats over and over, sobbing quietly into Ryan's shoulder as their bodies collapse onto the soaked pier.

Reaching down with a free hand, Ryan removes the piece of cardboard out of Seth's hand and he reads it to himself:

I know that life is fine and good

And the world is a full pot,

but it doesn't flow to my blood,

it only rises to my head.

Others it feeds, me it sickens;

try to understand: one _can_ despise it.

For at least a thousand years now

I'll require a diet.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

[ f i n ]


	6. Alternate Ending

Okay, so coming up is the alternate ending which was supposed to be the actual ending. I had intended for Seth to kill himself from the start simply because I didn't want anyone, especially Ryan to, "Talk him down"

However two nights before I posted this- I got the AIDS idea and I thought it was a unique reason other then, "No one likes me. Boo-fucking-hoo"

And, I knew that some of you wanted to see Seth go through with "it" much like myself so that is the explanation for this alternate ending.

Enjoy...

* * *

**Alternate Ending: **

With the barrel of the cheap .45 pistol, hidden underneath his black curly locks, Seth smiles as the sky starts to calm.

Ryan can make out a figure, bobbing in the small boat yet he's still far away.

"Seth!" He shouts out as loud as he can and he runs faster.

Seth unmistakably hears Ryan's voice call out his name in panic but it doesn't stop him, without hesitation he pulls the trigger.

The bullet entered at one side of his head and out the other.

Ryan remembers the sound the gun made as he looks back on that night but at the time he was in complete shock and years later... he still is.

"_Where's my brother?_" He kept asking the police, though he was the one who found him; body slumped over with a blood-spattered note in his hand which read:

"This was no ones fault. You couldn't have known. You couldn't have stopped me."

[ f i n ]

* * *

And that was it. Horrible, wasn't it? I hated this ending to tell you the truth which is why I didn't use it.

In closing, I'd like to say thank all of you that cared enough to read my stories and review them constructively but unfortunately, I don't think there will be a prequel or sequel to this particular story.

In fact, I'm taking a break from posting stories here all together so if anyone wishes to contact me with some q&a or just simply to talk go for it.

- Lise Dee.


End file.
